Feeling sorry for myself - for the millionth time

As I lay in bed last night, it occurred to me that I've become ineffective. I used to have influence but those days have come and gone. Husband doesn't talk to me let alone listen when I attempt to talk to him. The girls act like they are listening but it goes in one ear and out the other.

All anyone wants me to do is to listen and nod every once in a while. During those times I do feel compelled to comment, share my experience, attempt to lead, or offer suggestions, all I get is attitude or contemptuous grunts with an immediate withdrawal from my presence.

My only worth these days to taxi the kids around, pay the bills, and take care of the needs of others. My opinion is neither wanted nor needed. My suggestions are viewed as examples of control. I have no right to question. I have no right to ask for anything.

I'm merely expected to accept the status quo, go with the flow, sit down and shut up. It's hard to 'be happy in your work' when there are no rewards. Rewards that should come naturally from loved ones. Rewards like acknowledgement, appreciation, understanding, and companionship.

I'm lonely and I'm tired. I feel repressed and used. I need a ladder to help me out of this hole I've spent years digging myself into but I can't seem to find one.

How does one find that ladder?

Everyone says 'You have to make yourself happy. No one can do that for you.' But is it not also true that others can make you UN-happy? Is it wrong to expect anything for yourself from others? Is it wrong to expect 'payment' for a job well-done and for your years of faithful servitude? Is it too much to expect that one day those you've stood with and fought with, and for, will be there for YOU?

Another thing people say is that you only get what you give. I have never found that to be true. The truth, for me anyway, is that the more you give, the more people want from you and then it's shame on you for wanting something back. Give until it hurts and then keep on giving some more.

What have I done in my life that has made me unworthy?

Chained in Hell

Let's see....what's been going on.....

#1 won the bid on the house across the street. Unfortunately, HUD says it'll be ready to close sometime in the next...oh...45 days! Well, the government's never one to do things hasitly, right? In the mean time, people are still looking at the house; traipsing in and out at their leisure. AND it's sitting there empty - no electricity - asking to be vandalized more than it already has been. So far it's just been weird, freaky shit painted on the walls of one of the bedrooms but don't vandals usually escallate their fun by punching holes in walls and ripping out fixtures and such? Guess I'll just have to keep an eye out and my fingers crossed.

Took #2 to the mall yesterday to put in a few job apps. She did one at a clothing shop and one at a shoe store - both places that she and #3 do their shopping. She tried Borders but their apps are online. I suggested Hot Topic but she reminded me that they don't hire unless you have a drivers liscence and can drive yourself back and forth to work. Drat!

While she was trying to get a job, I was at the Sprint kiosk upgrading husband's cell phone. He had forgotten it that morning so I figured to kill two birds with one stone and do that while waiting for #2. HOLY CRAP! It was like pulling hen's teeth! Took over an hour and then when it was all over and done with, the little fucktard 'helping' me allowed me to stand there, thinking there was more to do, until I asked, "What's left to do?" to which he says, "Oh. You can go." All the while still on the phone as he had been during the entire process!!!!! I never got - sorry for the inconvenience - sorry for taking so long - thanks for using Sprint - thanks for your patience - have a nice day - fuck you bitch you can kiss my ass! NOTHING! Just "Oh. You can go." WTF???? Plus, I thought I was getting a camera phone but when we got home and #2 attempted to show me how to take a damn picture, we discovered .... no fucking camera!!!!! OMG!

Told husband about the experience and the missing camera to which he replied, "Well, thanks for getting the phone." FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE!

After the Sprint shit - took #2 to get bra fitted at Parisian. Unfortunately, they don't sell size 28D bras. Yes, you read that correctly - 28 fuckin' D!

The whole damn mall experience was a nightmare. Much like every other day of my life lately. Bullshit heaped upon bullshit. I'm changing my name to Sisyphus.

Hold up the mirror and take a good, hard look at yourself

Let me just state for the record that yes, I am a reactionary. I am also far too trusting of those I know and will generally take their word as gospel. Hence, my mea culpa to aforementioned fat cow - mother of the boy who was assaulted by #3.

She finally called me last night and the truth of the situation has come out.

Here's how it all went down (version #2)-

1/ boy A - tells boy B that #3 sucks on the guitar and that he wants her out of the band
2/ boy B - goes to #3, tells her this, and then dares her to punch boy A
3/ #3 - punches boy A
4/ boy A's mother - goes to school, tells them what happened, asks if the police must get involved and that if so, she doesn't want to go any further and doesn't want to issue a complaint
5/ school - no, the police do not have to be involved
6/ boy A's mother - asks that #3 be given ISS to impress upon her the fact that she should not be assaulting people; she is also worried that if #3 does it again, that boy A might respond in kind therefore causing them both more problems than they need (I totally agree with this)

So, boy A's mother did NOT try to get #3 arrested. Boy B is an ass who is trying to stir up problems between boy A and #3. #3 has anger issues, does things without thinking, and lies to her mother.

I also found out, while talking to boy A's mother, that she did, indeed, see #3 while she was working on Sunday. However, not in the way that I was told by #3. Again with the lies! Seems that #3 was sitting on the wall next to the sidewalk on the opposite end of the shopping center from where the coffee shop is located. She did NOT have her coffee mug costume on. Boy A's mother had no idea that she was working and was concerned that she was there, sitting, alone, and wondered if I knew where and what she was doing.

My question is this - was #3 taking a break during her 3 hour work stint or was she fucking off and hiding when she was supposed to be working?

I WILL get to the bottom of this! I'm not having her cheat the coffee shop who is paying her damn good money to do a gravy job.

I'm seeing some not so good character traits coming out in #3 and I'm not anywhere close to being a happy camper. As a matter of fact, it depresses the hell out me.

I've already got a half-assed husband and it's becoming very clear that I'm on the verge of having a half-assed daughter as well.

Gee, it totally sucks to find out that the time I've spent trying to be a good person, wife, friend, and mother has been nothing but a waste.

Perhaps it's time I take a better look at myself. I'm clearly not as good at being any of those things as I thought I was. My relationships must be a reflection of myself and mirrors don't lie, do they?

The weekend update

Quick update on the stupid cow that tried to get #3 arrested....still no return call to my message on her machine to "Call me!". However, #3 did spot her today as she was doing her coffee mug thing. Of course she didn't know that was #3 in that cute little costume (still no pics - sorry) throwing her a bird. Can you actually throw someone a bird if you only have 3 cartoony fingers and a thumb?

Well, anyway, I knew that piece of buttcrust would be too much of a chicken shit to talk to me!

What else.....oh - went to P's yesterday evening. Her husband was off fishing for the weekend and mine was doing his usual couch warming weekend routine. The plan was for us to sit on the deck, imbibe a few cold libations of an adult nature, and to have a good old chin wag while her kids were watching movies and eating pizza. Totally did NOT happen that way. Yeah, it was nice to get out and do a girls only thing but when 2 of those girls are a 14 yr old and the other is a busy-body, what you doing, what ya'll talking about, popping out onto the deck every 5 mins 19 yr old...um, just didn't do it for me. KWIM?

I had 4 beers (in 4 hours), a small slice of pizza, watched a movie I had already seen, and had a grand total of 15 mins of chit-chat with P. They were gearing up for movie # 2 with 2 of the 19 yr old's friends that popped in, and I called it a night and went home. I can get that shit at home plus a nice beer buzz that I couldn't get there knowing I'd have to drive home.

#1 called this afternoon - 8am her time - to tell me about the earthquake in Oahu. They were without power and had no batteries for their radio. She didn't know what was going on so I had to relay the news as I watched it on the tv. She was worried about tsunami - she's been through that threat once while in Okinawa - but was greatly relieved to find out that there was no threat. She and her roommate were fine except for the fact that their apt. is on the 16 floor! I do hope the power is back on for them tomorrow. Walking 16 flights of stairs - up and down? First I'd get vertigo and then I'd die from a heart attack! Oh, they also had no water. #1 is lucky in that she could shower when she got to work and fill her truck with gas.

What struck me about the whole thing, though, was while watching the news, I noticed how cool and calm everyone there was. I mentioned my amazement to her when I talked to her this evening and she said that everyone there was always just so laid back - a difference in culture. I can't imagine the folks here on the CONUS just patiently waiting in line for a store owner to let people in by 2's and no one screaming racism, discrimination, complaining that it was taking too long, or trying to use their children as an excuse to go in next. Plus, no riots or looting?!?!

The people of Hawaii made me very proud today!

Oh, we'll know in the morning whether or not #1 gets the house.

One last thing - no phone call from STFBN to inquire as to #1's health and/or safety due to the earthquake. Am I surprised? No. Further evidence that she never really gave a crap anyway.

Give me a break, ok? I'm still coming to terms with this shit!

Gosh darn it! I finished my post and then had to come back. Totally forgot to mention husband and his out of character behavior today!

1/ He took #3 to work
2/ Helped #2 build a new winter house for the rabbit
3/ Took it upon himself - no asking involved! - to go the the store to get the ice cream that I went to the store to get but then promptly forgot to buy. DOH!
4/ Had a hot pot of coffee waiting on me when I got up on Fri, Sat, and Sun.

What does it all mean????????

I'm not going to try too hard to answer that because ignorance truly IS bliss.......

Latest news on STFBN

While husband was away on his drunken holiday, I did some housecleaning. I gathered up all the shit that I had borrowed from STFBN and had husband deliver them to her porch. I wrote a nice little note saying that I was trying to clean things up a bit, sorry for taking so long to return these items, thanks a million for letting us borrow them, and let me know if I've forgotten anything.

I'll admit that the return was done to elicit a response - to somewhat gauge her level of assitude. That was on Monday. Today is Thursday. No response.

Looks like my resolve to dissolve our 'friendship' was the correct course of action. I had to make sure that I wasn't taking things too far. The situation has been verified and the operation has been deemed a success.

Oh, I also gathered all the bullshit Sponge Bob crap that she felt I would like for Christmas - um, swizzle sticks? paper coasters? stickers? toys? - WTF? I'm an adult dumbass! - and gave them all away to people I don't even know! They were thrilled. So was I!

Christmas tree update

It's still in the driveway. Exactly where it was. Exactly as it was.

Here's a reminder pic - in case you forgot.

How many days is that now? I think we're getting close to 2 weeks!

The mouse that roared vanilla latte!

Let's see....what's been going on?

Still no word yet on the house across the street that #1 wants to buy. Not sure if that's a good sign or a bad sign. Time will tell, right?

This week seems to be all about # 3. Where to start? Hmm........

#3 had an interview with Coldstone on Sunday. She was in one of those group interviews with 11 other people. They all had to demonstrate some sort of unique talent (gag!) she did the worm. Then they had to sing an original ditty - until her interview,never having actually been to a Coldstone myself, I never knew that the employees had to sing every time they got a tip (gag! gag!). Well, she didn't get the job.

On Monday, she got a call from a local coffee shop and was told to start on Tuesday. The pay - $10.00 per hour. The job - waving coffee mug. There are 2 stores within a few miles of each other and she is to work a couple of hours at one store and then an hour or two at the other. Every day. So far, it seems to be going well but I haven't yet had the opportunity to take any pics. She's been keeping an eagle-eye on me to make sure that I don't. But - I will!

Also on Tuesday, when #2 got home, she announced that #3 would be in ISS for the rest of the week....oh, and she was nearly arrested. SAY WHAT???????
It seems that on Monday, a boy we know very well, a boy who has been like a brother to #3, whose mother I know very well and have spent a great deal of time with - during and after our homeschooling days - a boy who is the drummer in their 'band' (#3 plays the guitar), took it upon himself to trash-talk #3 and the rest of the band. Rumour of this trash-talk spread like wildfire throughout the school, got back to #3 via 4 or 5 different people, and she went ballistic on his ass. She punched in the face and told him to NEVER talk to her or about her ever again. Now, what you need to know is that this boy is over 6 feet tall and weighs somewhere in the neighborhood of 250 pounds. #3 is less than 5 feet and around 105 pounds. Even standing on a ladder and putting her entire weight behind the punch, she isn't going to do very much damage.

Welllll........did his fat-assed, fucking bitch of a mother call me so that we could settle this like adults?

NO!

What she did do was go to the school and demand that #3 be arrested for hurting her poor little bastard son! The school reviewed the tapes of the incident, saw that #3 hadn't really hurt the poor little titty baby, and decided to give her ISS for the duration of the week. Which I do think is fair for her totally losing her mind and hitting someone where there are cameras! I know I've taught her better than THAT!

Seeing her go into the ISS room, #3's JROTC seargant made a BIG fuss about her standing up for herself and defending her honour, rallied all her other teachers, and reduced her ISS sentence to ... um ... 5 minutes. Period. No more ISS. Case closed.

I haven't yet had the chance to call bitchtard (the ninny's mother) but I will this weekend. Stupid cunt.

The news from #3 today is that pantywaist appologized and told the school that no, he did not want to press charges against her.

Can't blame him really. First he got 'beat up' by a girl. Then his mommy had to go to the school to wipe his tears AND his ass!

If I were him, I'd want it to all go away, too.

Uh oh! The Muslims are outraged!

Well, it's just a matter of time.......

Who says you can't make this shit up???

Sounded like a witch-hunt to me from the very beginning. Those poor, poor Dems - nothing better to do.

As Mr. T would say.....I pity the fools.

Read an updated synopsis here.

Quid Pro Quo - It's off I go!

Well, husband is off on his 4 day retreat. I've never had a 4 day weekend away - alone or otherwise - with the only expectation being that I will sit around a campfire, get drunk, stoned, eat, and sleep. Must be nice. God knows I sure could use one! It must be doubly nice to have that as a guaranteed, no matter what, I'm going if it hairlips the Pope plan, each and every year.

Now, that's what I call shittin' in high cotton!!!!

The kids are old enough now that I can begin to do things for myself and by myself. I no longer have to feel guilty for being 'selfish' for not including them, or husband, in my plans. I am free - well, free-er.

Which brings me to my point - Hawaii. I'm going. In a matter of weeks. Alone.

I have someone who can get me a greatly discounted ticket - ex-husband. And someone to stay with - free of charge - on the island of Oahu.

I've called to set it up and now it's just a matter of finding the right date. I'll need a ride to the airport so husband will need to be off that day to drive me.

Oh, he'll just LOVE that!

Aloha, asshole!

Why am I just now finding these?

I WANT ONE!

Hey, you! Go here now and buy me one!!!

September Porker of the Month

CAGW Names 171 Representatives Who Voted Against Earmark Reform Porkers of the Month
Washington, D.C. Citizens Against Government Waste (CAGW) today named all 171 members of Congress who voted against the disclosure of earmarks Porkers of the Month. On September 14, the House voted 245-171 for an internal rule change (H. Res. 1000) that requires all earmarks and their sponsors to be identified in spending, tax, and authorization bills.


“This is a serious step toward opening up the earmarking process,” CAGW President Tom Schatz said. “Much remains to be done to end the abuse of earmarks, but that is no reason for voting against what is clearly an improvement over the status quo.”

Of the 171 votes against the resolution, 147 were from Democrats. Twenty-two of the 24 nay votes from Republicans were members of the Appropriations Committee, infamous for its swollen earmarks, although not all on the committee opposed the measure. Committee Chairman Jerry Lewis (R-Calif.) had complained that the new requirement singled out appropriations bills but said that he would not whip the vote. Most earmarks are anonymously slipped into spending bills by individual appropriators without debate. The 2006 Congressional Pig Book identified 9,963 pork projects costing a record $29 billion in the fiscal 2006 appropriations bills.

Read the rest of the article here.

My brain hurts or there's a Christmas tree in my driveway

Husband helped a friend move over the weekend. Friend moved from a house to an apartment so he didn't have room to take everything - some things he didn't WANT to take. These things he offered to husband.

Among the items - a nasty microwave. Those things are such a bitch to clean so I can't fault friend for just saying 'Fuck it'. I do that pretty much ever time I open mine.

He also brought home an aquarium with stand and filter and rocks and stuff. It had been empty for a while so all the lime and crap that forms after sitting for a while had formed. Went to Kroger and bought some Limeaway and # 2 got it sparkling clean and it's now filled - sans fish - in the livingroom. The light gives a much needed ambient light to the room. I'm not big on lighting that illuminates every dust bunny filled corner so I only have low light lamps sitting on the mantle piece. The aquarium light adds a bit more brightness to the other side of the room but not too much, you know. We decided on placing it in the livingroom instead of # 2's bedroom b/c she already has 2 - 20 gallon tanks and a 10 gallon tank. Since she's in an upstairs room and it's filled to the point of being ready to cave in, we thought it best not to put it there.

Last but not least - we're now the proud owners of a pre-lit Christmas tree. I've always wanted one of those - well, I've wanted one ever since husband declared "I HATE Christmas!" a few years ago when asked about putting up lights outside. Since then, either the girls and I put them around the porch or trees or simply forgo the the tradition altogether. As for decorating the tree - I don't even bother to ask him any more. Every Christmas it was my job to decorate the house and the porch railings - oh, and the cooking, baking, gift buying, wrapping, and sending the Christmas cards - his job was to put up the lights outside, set up the tree, and put the lights on it. The girls would then decorate the tree how ever they saw fit. For many years the tree only had decorations from the knee down but as they grew older, of course, the decorations moved on up the tree.

Well, husband decides that the new tree needs to 'air out' so he sets it up in the driveway. You know what I think? I think that he did that because he didn't want to bother trying to find a place to put the damn thing! Every nook and cranny of this house is filled with something and finding a spot for the new tree would involve moving shit around. He'd spent the entire weekend helping friend move so what more could be asked of him, right? Also, there's the sit-around-for-four-days-getting-drunk-while-watching-shit-burn-up-psuedo-cavers-get-together weekend this coming Thursday thru Sunday. He's got to save his energy for that, don't you know?

How long, you reckon, that tree will stay in the driveway? I should start a betting pool. My bet's on at least 2 weeks. Not saying it won't be longer but at least 2 weeks.

Here's a pic - oh, yeah - that's the outside of the house that still hasn't been stuccoed. Ya'll know the story so I'll just leave it at that.



As for why my brain hurts....aw, shit - you figure it out.

Oh, my! This will NEVER do!

A new addition to the crap on our front porch arrived last week. It located itself between a plant and the siding just to the left of our front door. Ok, I can live with that - as long as it stays put!

Well, not only did it NOT stay put - it's planning to take over!!!!!!

This first pic is not mine - I waited too long before things went horribly wrong. The rest of the pics are mine and taken just a few minutes ago.



The above creature was located here -



Then this morning, it moved here -



And decided to start a family!



I don't want to kill it but I'm not so sure that I'm willing to try to relocate it either!

End of month update

The past few weeks have been a bit of a blur. Too many things going on and constant changes to plans. Not good or bad - just crazy.

I'll leave out the little stuff and concentrate on the big ticket item. # 1 has decided that she wants to leave her home in paradise and move home. She wants to buy a house and go to school and settle down. Settle down as in stay put, not get married and have kids.

Now, I don't have a problem with any of this but I do know that # 1 changes her mind like normal people change their socks. I'm excited at the prospect of her coming home but my excitement is tempered with prudence. You know, seeing is believing, right?

She's got me looking for houses to separate the wheat from the chaff so that all she has to do is to look at the best of the best and then make a decision. I have a great realtor that I'm working with so things are progressing.

I mentioned that the house across the street - a house that we're very familiar with because we've known and been close to everyone who's ever lived there - is empty and up for sale. I only brought it up as a way to find out prices for houses in this area based on number of bedrooms and bathrooms. I didn't mean to give her the idea of buying it!!!

Well, now she's only interested in THAT house! Forget looking any further, she says to me, that's the house I want!!!! Um...ok...my God, what have I done?

The house was taken back by the bank and turned into a HUD home. It's been empty for months! However, it's not up for sale. Why? Well, it seems that HUD has a hold on all its homes for victims of Katrina.

In the aftermath of the hurricanes, HUD provided interim rental housing to many families in the form of HUD-owned properties in the states of South Carolina, Georgia, Florida, Kentucky, Tennessee, Arkansas, Oklahoma, and Texas. These families will be offered the opportunity to purchase the homes they are currently occupying at a discount of ten percent off the property's fair market value. Additionally, HUD will help current tenants pay for property repairs by funding a repair escrow equal to 15% of the contract price.

I won't even go into my thoughts on that little bit of news! Let's just say that I'm less than thrilled at the prospect of THAT living across the street from me!!!!!! But could this be a gift from the fates?

Here's why I ask...

There have been numerous problems in my dealings with # 1 over the years. Mostly due to HER lack of years and judgement. Husband has also been a contributing factor in my issues with # 1 mainly because he views her as his justification to smoke stuff he ought not be smoking. She's unencumbered with responsibilities - he's not. He doesn't seem to get the distinction.

As I talked about in this post, she also has a tendency to treat me with disdain when she's home. Not to mention bad-mouthing me to # 2 & # 3 and the neighbors (STFBN - who is now out of the picture but still germane to the problem).

I did confront her with all this and expressed my trepidation at her moving in such close proximity to us but she says she wants to be close so we can all get closer. Yeah, it sounds good in theory but we all know how that goes.

I'm in a quandary. On the one hand I would love for her to move across the street in order to strengthen our relationship but on the other, I have a feeling that the distance between the house across the street and ours will be riddled with landmines should she actually buy it and move in. I can see this blowing up in all our faces.

I don't know what to do so I'm just leaving it in God's hands. With any luck, he's tired of playing jokes on me.