Feeling sorry for myself - for the millionth time
As I lay in bed last night, it occurred to me that I've become ineffective. I used to have influence but those days have come and gone. Husband doesn't talk to me let alone listen when I attempt to talk to him. The girls act like they are listening but it goes in one ear and out the other.
All anyone wants me to do is to listen and nod every once in a while. During those times I do feel compelled to comment, share my experience, attempt to lead, or offer suggestions, all I get is attitude or contemptuous grunts with an immediate withdrawal from my presence.
My only worth these days to taxi the kids around, pay the bills, and take care of the needs of others. My opinion is neither wanted nor needed. My suggestions are viewed as examples of control. I have no right to question. I have no right to ask for anything.
I'm merely expected to accept the status quo, go with the flow, sit down and shut up. It's hard to 'be happy in your work' when there are no rewards. Rewards that should come naturally from loved ones. Rewards like acknowledgement, appreciation, understanding, and companionship.
I'm lonely and I'm tired. I feel repressed and used. I need a ladder to help me out of this hole I've spent years digging myself into but I can't seem to find one.
How does one find that ladder?
Everyone says 'You have to make yourself happy. No one can do that for you.' But is it not also true that others can make you UN-happy? Is it wrong to expect anything for yourself from others? Is it wrong to expect 'payment' for a job well-done and for your years of faithful servitude? Is it too much to expect that one day those you've stood with and fought with, and for, will be there for YOU?
Another thing people say is that you only get what you give. I have never found that to be true. The truth, for me anyway, is that the more you give, the more people want from you and then it's shame on you for wanting something back. Give until it hurts and then keep on giving some more.
What have I done in my life that has made me unworthy?
All anyone wants me to do is to listen and nod every once in a while. During those times I do feel compelled to comment, share my experience, attempt to lead, or offer suggestions, all I get is attitude or contemptuous grunts with an immediate withdrawal from my presence.
My only worth these days to taxi the kids around, pay the bills, and take care of the needs of others. My opinion is neither wanted nor needed. My suggestions are viewed as examples of control. I have no right to question. I have no right to ask for anything.
I'm merely expected to accept the status quo, go with the flow, sit down and shut up. It's hard to 'be happy in your work' when there are no rewards. Rewards that should come naturally from loved ones. Rewards like acknowledgement, appreciation, understanding, and companionship.
I'm lonely and I'm tired. I feel repressed and used. I need a ladder to help me out of this hole I've spent years digging myself into but I can't seem to find one.
How does one find that ladder?
Everyone says 'You have to make yourself happy. No one can do that for you.' But is it not also true that others can make you UN-happy? Is it wrong to expect anything for yourself from others? Is it wrong to expect 'payment' for a job well-done and for your years of faithful servitude? Is it too much to expect that one day those you've stood with and fought with, and for, will be there for YOU?
Another thing people say is that you only get what you give. I have never found that to be true. The truth, for me anyway, is that the more you give, the more people want from you and then it's shame on you for wanting something back. Give until it hurts and then keep on giving some more.
What have I done in my life that has made me unworthy?
posted by bb at 3:04 PM
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