How do I love thee?
I was listening to a radio show this morning @ 1 am and the interview was with a guy who had written a book about relationships based on personality types. He said that the main problem in relationships, especially those lasting for decades, came down to personality differences.
Well, duh! Since each person is a combination of their genetics, upbringing, and experiences, no two people are going to be alike. We're not cookie-cutter people, now are we?
I wasn't buying it so I tuned him out for a while.
Years ago I read the Mars/Venus explanation for the differences between men and women. I liked the book but something was missing. Not all men will react to subtle differences in the way we ask questions - like changing the "Can you take out the garbage?" to "Will you take out the garbage?" More importantly, to me as a woman, I knew that telling a man, who really couldn't care less, to engage in 'active listening' was a waste of time. Even I can't fake that with a friend who goes on and on about something that means nothing to me!
Okay, back to the guy last night - he said there were two types of people - 'feelers' and 'thinkers'.
According to him, 'feelers' need to be told, every day, that they are loved. Not that they forget or doubt that they are loved but that is how they gain acknowledgement in a relationship. But in the mind of a 'thinker', the fact that they told you they loved you and are still with you is all that's needed for them. You should know that you are loved because they haven't left. Why constantly say it? Them just being there should be all the proof you need.
In that moment, I understood why I feel so lonely and unappreciated.
After 23 years of marriage, and precious little in the way of expressed emotion, I could use something that says 'I love you' more convincingly than him coming home and stating "The paycheck's been deposited" mere moments before his total immersion into the History Channel for the rest of the evening while ignoring all those around him.
If I were a 'thinker' instead of a 'feeler', all I'd be required to do is to say "Good. Now I can pay the bills." and forego the part where I greet him at the door, ask how his day was, and fix him a plate of food. There's no need for me to go that extra mile to let him know that he's loved and appreciated. He should know that already, right?
Opposites do attract but after a while - it gets to be a pain in the ass!
Well, duh! Since each person is a combination of their genetics, upbringing, and experiences, no two people are going to be alike. We're not cookie-cutter people, now are we?
I wasn't buying it so I tuned him out for a while.
Years ago I read the Mars/Venus explanation for the differences between men and women. I liked the book but something was missing. Not all men will react to subtle differences in the way we ask questions - like changing the "Can you take out the garbage?" to "Will you take out the garbage?" More importantly, to me as a woman, I knew that telling a man, who really couldn't care less, to engage in 'active listening' was a waste of time. Even I can't fake that with a friend who goes on and on about something that means nothing to me!
Okay, back to the guy last night - he said there were two types of people - 'feelers' and 'thinkers'.
According to him, 'feelers' need to be told, every day, that they are loved. Not that they forget or doubt that they are loved but that is how they gain acknowledgement in a relationship. But in the mind of a 'thinker', the fact that they told you they loved you and are still with you is all that's needed for them. You should know that you are loved because they haven't left. Why constantly say it? Them just being there should be all the proof you need.
In that moment, I understood why I feel so lonely and unappreciated.
After 23 years of marriage, and precious little in the way of expressed emotion, I could use something that says 'I love you' more convincingly than him coming home and stating "The paycheck's been deposited" mere moments before his total immersion into the History Channel for the rest of the evening while ignoring all those around him.
If I were a 'thinker' instead of a 'feeler', all I'd be required to do is to say "Good. Now I can pay the bills." and forego the part where I greet him at the door, ask how his day was, and fix him a plate of food. There's no need for me to go that extra mile to let him know that he's loved and appreciated. He should know that already, right?
Opposites do attract but after a while - it gets to be a pain in the ass!
posted by bb at 11:03 PM
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